March 3, 2017

Disney is the New Scientology

Disney cruise or Sea Org? You be the judge.

by Cynthia Gunnells

​​Yet here I am on the path to a complete understanding of the magic of childhood and the power of dreams, fantasy, imagination and wonder – evangelized, homogenized and commercialized by Disney.

How did this happen?

Halcyon Days
My family didn’t take vacations when I was a kid. We went camping. And while I have nothing but the fondest memories of summer days spent deep in the mosquito-filled Michigan woods laughing around bonfires and cleaning the soot from myself in a nearby lake with my equally dirty-faced cousins, I longed for something more.

I went to Walt Disney World twice in my youth. Once, when the aforementioned family loaded into an RV and drove from Detroit to Orlando where we camped on the Disney property, gazing longingly at the resort hotels in the distance, and once in my teens with my best friend and her older sister, who dragged us along (in the back of a windowless work van perched on an old sofa for the 17-hour ride) to help babysit her children. I was essentially a hostage at Disney, and it was not fun. It was hot. And I hate to walk far distances. And I sunburn easily. And I’m terrified of amusement park rides since my dad worked with the cables that hold them together and always told me they were death traps. And please reread the second paragraph about my distaste for people in general. So I never had the desire to go back. Ever.

A Calling
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Having a baby liberated me. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to make my daughter’s life a happy one, and most of what she wants pushes me far, far from my comfort zone. When she turned three, like most little girls she developed a fascination with fairies and princesses and other Disney-related atrocities. I was horrified. But see, the Marketing folks at Disney were wise and knew just how to get to someone like me.

First, they turned their princess mantra upside down. It seems they now understand that sisters are doing it for themselves these days, joining the pantsuit nation and moving beyond our boxes, so they exchanged their dainty princesses for strong-willed ones who can conquer anything. (This video is proof they were targeting me.)

Second, they created those air-conditioned, luxury dream boats complete with Egyptian Cotton 1000 thread count sheets, gourmet, adult-only champagne brunches, relaxing massages and visits to their own private paradise in the Bahamas where the sun is always shining, the reggae is always playing, the water is always turquoise and the beer is always cold. But most of all, they are experts at immersing your children so deep into childhood that you can’t help but revisit your own.

From elaborate tea parties with perfectly-coifed princesses to treasure hunts with Captain Hook to dance parties with Mickey, Minnie and the gang to onboard waterslides and fireworks and kids-only clubs, there is nothing your children could wish for that is not at their sticky little fingertips. And as every parent knows, when your kids are happy, you are happy.

But what really did me in were the Golden Era-style productions put on each evening, specifically Disney’s Believe – a story about a workaholic father who reconnects with his daughter by learning to believe in childhood again. (Feel free to watch the entire show if you’re so inclined, but definitely check out the 44:00 mark where the dad realizes his daughter grew up right before his eyes and he was too busy to notice.

“Childhood's magic is so fleeting, soon it’s gone with no repeating, always let your children know, you cherish every moment and you love them so.”

I am not a crier. I’ve experienced some real tragedies in my life and never shed a tear. I have seen this sappy show three times and bawled like a baby each and every time. Disney has turned me into someone I don’t even know. I have been converted to one of those cruise people.

The Dark Side
There is no escaping Disney. If you try, you will be followed by seven dwarfs, fed poisoned apples and have your voice stolen by a sea witch – and you definitely can count on something untoward happening to your mother. Or, perhaps you’ll just mysteriously disappear from a Disney cruise liner like Rebecca Coriam – a British crewmember who vanished from the Disney Wonder off the coast of Mexico in 2011. Her parents sued Disney claiming they knew more about her disappearance than they were divulging. Disney settled out of court.

Those who long for something more can easily become vulnerable, which is why it’s sometimes better to stay locked in a castle all alone.

Alas, I just booked Rebecca’s voyage on the Disney Wonder where I will be retracing her steps, grasping at the fading moments of my daughter’s childhood and likely crying over Believe once again.

Please send Leah Remini to rescue me.

Disney is the new Scientology and I’m fairly certain I’m being brainwashed. Of all the things I could have imagined myself to be, the last would be a Disney Cruise Gold Member having taken five tropical voyages on the fleet of Disney cruise ships over the last four years. But somehow I’ve been lured in and am doing my courses like a true follower working to go clear.

This is completely against my personality. I hate being in confined areas (or open spaces) with people, let alone the cruise-going kind of people with hairy backs and fanny packs, hip-hugging babies and Hawaiian shirts; nor was I ever a fan of Disney’s syrupy mantra that one day my prince would come riding in on his white horse to rescue me from my own inferiority. And I don’t dare let my young daughter believe that either. She is well aware of her intelligence, strength and ability to accomplish anything she works hard at – all by herself.